It’s been eleven months since my beloved husband died. Life has looked dramatically different over this year. Not only have I had to learn about who I am without him, but I have also had to learn about what I want to receive from and what I want to give to this world.
I spent forty-three years under the protective covering of my husband and when that was removed, I became vulnerable and unsure of life. The world suddenly became new and unfamiliar.
There were some aspects that remained the same, however. My children and grandchildren were a constant but even there, I had to learn that my belief that I needed to be both parents and grandparents to my family was inaccurate. I could only be me; Mom and Mimi (as my grandchildren affectionately refer to me.) My effort to fill in the void that my husband left behind was impossible and not for me to even attempt.
My relationship with my adult children did change in some ways. My husband had asked them to watch over me and the four of them, my two sons, daughter-in-law and son-in-law, took that very seriously. It was a sweet testimony to my husband’s love for me and their love for our family.
What I have discovered is that I really am not much different a person than I have ever been. I am still fun-loving and usually joy-filled but I am lacking one very important thing… a filter. I am finding that I feel compelled to speak my mind and heart. I used to have the ability to hold back. My husband was my sounding board and helped me to craft gentle words of truth before speaking them to others. I miss that and am certain others do as well. LOLOL Hopefully, I am doing that with love.
I have also learned more fully that my husband was a very rare and extraordinary human being. He was kind and gentle, so selfless and always positive about life. He lifted the spirits of everyone around him. He loved me so deeply and unconditionally and I him. I miss him terribly.
When such a person is removed from your life, you ask yourself, “So, why am I still here?”
I have spent many hours trying to answer that question. What I have concluded is that we have a responsibility, in this one life we live, to bring all that we are and all that we have learned, to the benefit of others. I try to do that in my relationships, with others who have had a loss, with my interactions with strangers and through my writing. I pray that I successfully reflect love, the love that has been so generously expressed to me.
I know that many of you are asking yourselves the same question, “Why?” Why have you been left behind to mourn your loss? There is an answer. Look deeply into your heart. Think about the greatest lessons life has taught you. Ask God.
I am exceedingly thankful to my dear family and friends that have stood by me this year. Love really does have the ability to conquer all. It doesn’t remove the grief but it reminds us that there is hope…there is life.
Living with thankfulness,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives