It comes when you least expect it and settles deep in your heart.
Like a roller coaster of emotions, you are laughing one minute and sobbing the next.
Memories twist and turn through your mind bringing joy then intense sorrow.
Distractions help for a time, then you must return to face your reality.
There is no escaping it. You must ride it all the way to the end.
Eventually, in time, the pain will subside and the ride will stop.
Grief.
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives
Nora McInerny, in her podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking,” shares her story about significant losses in her life at age thirty-one. In a short period of time, she lost her baby, her father and six weeks later, her husband. Nora was devastated.
People tried to encourage her with empty phrases such as, “You are still young and beautiful and will find someone else,” but it really wasn’t helpful.
Nora did fall in love again. What she found was falling in love was easy for her but finding another person didn’t take her grief away. Her grief just slid over to make room for another love and that made her feel uncomfortable. She feared the judgement of others but mostly the judgement she placed upon herself. If she was happy, she was not sad anymore so she must not have really loved her former husband.
Well-meaning friends commented, that she must be okay now that she has a new husband. She explained that falling in love with another did not mean she had fallen out of love with her deceased husband. Nora found that it was possible to hold two things at once; grief for the lost and joy for the new love.
I know personally that when you are joyfully married for forty-three years, loss is excruciating. I will always miss my husband and pray unashamedly that one day I will have a new love to whom I can share his memory.
A good friend reminded me one day that though my husband was gone, I was still alive. I’m trying to remember that. I can live my life to the fullest while holding his memory close to my heart.
Seeking life,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives
Dearest Heavenly One,
I confess that though I have needed you deeply over these last few months, I have also shut you out. I have allowed my circumstances to dictate my understanding of your love for me. I am frustrated and broken-hearted because my life looks nothing like what I expected. You have hurt me by allowing this loss in my life.
And though I am angry, I still believe that you are the same God that gave me a beautiful life to this point. You blessed me with a wonderful husband, children and grandchildren. I am so thankful for that.
Please show me that you see and intend to fill the empty places in my heart. Give me hope for new life and help me to celebrate once again.
Seeking Hope,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives
I wish that I could tell you that I knew the secret to living without fear. When you experience loss in your life, the realization that bad things don’t just happen to other people moves to the forefront of your mind. The potential for future losses appears to be multiplied by your experience. You feel that you are doomed so you wait and watch for the next catastrophe. If you wait long enough, a challenge will arise validating all that you believed to be true and you live in a bondage of fear.
But, living with fear prevents us from seeing the goodness of life all around us. We miss the beauty in the world, in people. The lyrical song of the birds is silenced, as is the laughter of children. We miss joy.
But how do we live without fear? Living without fear begins when we take a step forward despite our fear. Each time we do that we begin to realize that life can be redeemed. There is still goodness to be had.
You have not been abandoned, though it may feel that way. Trusting in yourself, family, friends, and in God, will give you all that you need to venture out.
Though you may have experienced loss, you yourself are still alive. Take your first step to a new life.
Starting anew,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives
If you have ever seen a newborn animal struggle to get onto it’s feet, you will begin to understand what life is like after losing your spouse. Unsteady and unsure, you fear that your world will suddenly collapse beneath you and you struggle to maintain your footing. Each step must be intentional.
Even the familiar looks different. Though the people remaining in your life have not changed, relationships and roles may have changed. Who am I now and what is this new life I am living?
Even making a simple decision can be a challenge when you are used to discussing it with your partner. I find myself leaning into my grown children for advice.
Just recently, I planned a trip to visit one of my dearest friends in Florida. It would be a good for me. She knew me well and being with her would be a safe place.
I made all the reservations; plane and kennel for the dog and was very excited.
Then suddenly, I was gripped with an overwhelming sense of fear. Before I knew it, I was cancelling the trip. My friend was very kind and understanding, my frequent flyer miles were returned to my account and the kennel reservation was cancelled without consequence.
As I discussed my sudden change of plans with my younger son, he kindly questioned my decision. Having been a therapist a few years back, he knew exactly what to ask.
“Mom, what are you so afraid of?”
As we discussed my concerns, I told him that I always felt that I could do anything with his dad by my side. His dad made me courageous. Now, I was alone and afraid.
My son’s powerful words quickly changed the course of my new life.
“Mom, you are brave. The courage is inside you. Dad just knew how to call it out.”
That day, I began to realize that though my life does look dramatically different, I am the same person. I just need to learn how to navigate my new life.
And…you can too! Be brave!
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives.
The summer after my husband’s first year of law school, we lost our first child. The day before my due date, the doctor discovered that our daughter did not have a heartbeat. Jessica Ryan was born still the next day. We were devastated .
I remember vividly how people responded to our loss. Some people embraced us and shared our tears. Others, very few, said nothing. It wasn’t because they were heartless but because some do not know what to say. They believe mentioning the loss will cause you more pain but it’s just the reverse. Not acknowledging someone’s pain is more hurtful then anything you could ever do.
Many of you know that my husband died four months ago. I am so thankful for the people who have really rallied around our family. Frequent calls, notes, text messages and distance visits have been very comforting. But, once again, there were a few who really didn’t know what to do so they did not respond. So, I thought it might be helpful to talk about how to respond to the grieving.
I once had a person ask me how they could help me. “Share my grief.” I told her. “Be authentic. If you feel like crying, cry. You couldn’t possibly make me sadder than I already am.”
There is something comforting about others expressing their loss. It reminds you that you are not alone.
Supporting a grieving person is really very simple..be present. You don’t have to say something profound. Just listen. Listen to stories. Take time to look at photographs. Give lots of hugs. For goodness sake, don’t make it your personal mission to cheer them up. It only comes across as insensitive and unfeeling. Take your cue from the grieving person.
And…thank you!! Thank you to all of the people who have taken time to share my grief, that have loved and supported me. Your presence in my life is a gift and I will never forget your kindness to our family.
With gratitude,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Live
Losing someone you love is a very painful experience. The first few months you live in disbelief, numb and wondering how your completely wonderful life changed so dramatically. But as the numbness wears off, I’m sorry to say, it only gets worse. Your heart begins to feel the depth of the loss and the pain increases. You also begin to recognize that your loss is far greater than you ever imagined.
In his book series, Experiencing Grief, Kenneth Haugk, speaks about secondary losses: “The death of a loved one is inevitably accompanied by other losses.”
So not only do you miss the person, you also miss aspects of the life you had together.
For me personally, I miss my husband and the total of our relationship. We were young when we married, so he knew me better than anyone… and loved me still. We were partners for life. He was my best friend and confidante. Always my greatest fan, he appreciated my sense of humor, laughing at all my jokes…even when they weren’t very funny. He thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. I felt valued and loved.
Along with losing the most special person in my life, my identity has been thrown into question. Our life was intertwined. We were married 43 years; raised children together, grand-parented together. We even worked together for many years. Now, I need to learn who am I without him and that sounds sad and very lonely.
I know I am not the only person to lose a loved one. If you, are experiencing a similar loss, please know that you are not alone. It will take time to adjust to this new life. Be courageous, embrace your feelings completely. Allow the people in your life to support you as you begin to identify your losses. You won’t feel like this forever.
Living through loss together,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives.
As I stared out the window of the plane, tears welled up in my eyes. This was my first trip since Jim died. I watched couples as they snuggled up close in their seats and smiled. I missed him sitting beside me. I missed laying my head on his shoulder. More tears fell.
Getting the Covid vaccine has given me freedom but now I am forced to face my new life. Everything has changed. What will it look like to live alone? Travel alone? Do everything alone? I was married for so long, I could barely remember when I wasn’t.
I know that many of you understand what I am experiencing. It will be difficult going forward but be patient with yourself. Allow some grace in your life. May God, in His mercy, show us the way.
Learning to live anew,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives
“It comes to us as a revelation at first— an astonishment— almost an occasion of guilt. We can be happy!”
“Maybe we thought it would not happen, that our life would be forever colored with pain, that no moment would be free if it…”
“One of the things we sometimes fear, needlessly, is that having lost a loved one, we will also lose the memory of them. “
Healing After Loss, by Martha Whitmore Hickman
My husband has been gone for two and a half months now. I remember feeling numb after the long painful illness came to an end. The many years of memories before he became sick were overshadowed by the trauma and I could barely remember our life beforehand.
In search of memories, my children started going through the old photo albums that were packed in dusty boxes in the basement. My husband and I had planned to get the photos digitized but the project was never started.
A few weeks later, my desire to regain my memory of him compelled me to begin the long awaited project. I bought a scanner, and my sister and I removed every photo from the 30+ albums. We scanned them and I saved a few precious ones for new albums that are now sitting on bookshelves in my living room. Though many tears were shed during the process, history was recaptured for me. I am so thankful for that.
We cannot run from grief. I have found that facing it head on has helped me to adjust to my new life. Tears still flow often but I find comfort in reaching out to those that share my grief and long to remember, as well.
In community,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives!
Now that people are able to get vaccinated and the cases of the coronavirus are declining, the opportunities are much greater to connect with one another safely. We have really needed community!
But when you experience a tremendous loss in your life, though the transition back into community can be wonderful, it can also be a challenge. Now, you must share your grief with others for the first time. Isolation can sometimes shield us from experiencing the reality of our loss. Community forces us to share it.
Personally, I have found that as I have allowed myself to reenter community, being intentional about seeing “safe” people (vaccinated or those with antibodies to the coronavirus), I am astonished at how encouraged I have been as I share about the loss of my husband. The fear of expressing my extreme grief has been lifted as people share their grief, as well. The remembrances, though accompanied with tears, have been a sweet testimony to my husband’s life. That has been beautiful for me.
I know that many of you have experienced loss over the last year. Allow yourself the freedom to express your true feelings. It’s acceptable to not be okay. Let others help you. The burden is much lighter when we carry it together.
Joy,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives!