Henry’s love of film started when he was very young. When it became time for him to commit himself to his passion, he came to America to pursue a master’s in film. His films are an outward expression of the deepest part of him. They speak about his life experience—his childhood memories, the influences of his Asian culture, and his greatest fears.
Henry’s Story
I do not have many happy memories of my childhood. Our family was very poor when I was young. I was an only child in a very conservative family in a small city in Asia. My relationship with my parents was polite. The culture is much more reserved, so I never remember having any physical affection, hugs or kisses, never an “I love you.” This, too, is very cultural so it was never something that I missed. My parents did hold my hand as a young child to keep me safe. Safety is primary in my culture.
Because of the sense of lack in our city, there was no sense of community. There was a pervasive fear that someone would take the little that you had. That meant that there were no community gatherings, opportunities for team sports, or any type of group activities for children. Everyone kept to themselves. I engaged in solitary activities and learned to play the violin and piano and learned to paint.
One of the benefits of employment in my city was that the employer is responsible for providing a place for all employees to live. We lived in a small apartment provided by my mother’s job. When the building was torn down, we moved to a community of homes built around a courtyard but there was still no connection with the neighbors.
I was raised in an area of Asia where religion was not as present as it is in America. Most people in my area were atheist. I learned later to have faith in my art, myself, and my dream as an artist and filmmaker.
My parents always valued higher education. I remember my father going to America to pursue his PhD degree when I was six years old. It was a big deal to go to study there and I knew of no other parents that did that. He was gone for three years though it felt like six or seven to me. After he left for America, it was just me and my mother, so she had the most influence in my life.
My father’s absence caused me to start to feel isolated for the first time. I have a vivid memory of my mother deciding that she needed to go to shopping with her friend one afternoon instead of hanging out with me. I remember running after her bike in hope that she would not go. It’s funny to think about it now because I cannot recall at all the moment she left Asia to join my father in America for a year, but I could remember the afternoon she went shopping without me.
After my mother left, I lived with my paternal grandparents. They were elderly and focused on keeping me safe during this time. I had a few friends but rarely played with them. Most of my time was spent with my grandparents. My memories of childhood at this age were very practical ones. How much homework did I need to do? What did I need to learn? I felt isolated and alone most of the time. I don’t remember too much sadness, it was just life.
My first impression of America was when my parents returned. They came bearing gifts. I couldn’t wait to open the salmon from the “deep ocean.” This was a big deal. My parents wanted to have a gathering of their relatives to share the salmon from the “deep ocean” and to celebrate their return so I was forced to wait. I will never forget my disappointment when the fish was finally served. It tasted horrible. The “liquid chocolate” (chocolate syrup) was strange and new but much tastier. This started my fantasy about America.
Adolescence became very challenging for me. When I entered middle school, I started to experience same-sex attraction. Gay jokes were always somewhat popular in Asia, as a way to emasculate and de-humanize a man. This made me feel very uncomfortable. I remember thinking that one student was very handsome. I guess that probably was my first awakening of my sexual orientation. I never talked with that person, so nothing more happened. It was not until much later that I began to understand what I was experiencing.
The saving grace of this time was that my dream of becoming a filmmaker began to take root in my heart. It gave me hope for my future. I watched and collected as many movies as possible. I started reading film magazines that spoke about many of the films from America. This had a major impact on me and out of that developed a desire to go west.
But the older I got (as much as I tried to hide it), my authentic-self began to emerge, and people noticed me. Discrimination was everywhere. In high school, there was a bully who would wait outside of my class every day just so he could call me “freak” in front of everyone. I guess he sensed that I was “different.” I was so afraid, I never had the courage to even look in his eyes to know what he looked like. Going to school every day was terrifying for me.
The concept of being an Asian gay man in our homophobic and conservative small city was very difficult. First, I really didn’t totally understand it myself and there was no one I could talk to about it. The little information I did have of the homosexual life, I found on the internet. I remember feeling like a “freak” and a “second class person” growing up. I lived in constant fear and hid who I was.
The increased academic pressure in high school helped to divert some of the attention from me. High school is all about preparing for the SAT. If you are successful in high school, you are set for life. Everything is taught with this test in mind. There was no room for creativity…only book knowledge (film was not part of the curriculum). The school system set the goals for each person’s life. Students were required to choose one of two tracks: science (which included biology, physics and chemistry) and literature (which included history, politics, and geology). Everyone learned English, math, and our native language. In my culture, the score on the SAT is a major life event. It determines your future success.
Because I am an only child, my parents had very severe expectations for me. They had their own ideas for the person they wanted me to become. My parents wanted me to be a scientist or doctor since they are both in the field of science. My father is a biologist and my mother a nurse. I chose the science route to appease them and completed my high school years successfully.
My passion to be a filmmaker continued to grow so when it came time to choose a college, I chose one that had a directing major. My parents thought I was joking when I informed them of my decision. When they realized that I was serious they became angry and started to pressure me to choose a different course of study. I insisted and began a hunger strike to convince them. They decided that they would take me to see an artist in a large city in Asia in hopes that he would change my mind. He informed me that I didn’t have sufficient talent to be successful in the directing major and that I should listen to my parents. I stood firm and went forward with my choice, developing in my greatest passion…film.
While in college, I developed a close relationship with a Frenchman who was doing an exchange study in economics in the city where I was attending college. He was introduced to me by one of my good friends. I had never met a gay person before. He told me about his life as a gay man and the struggles he had encountered—not being accepted by others and not accepting himself. It was something I never had the opportunity to talk about with anyone before. We hung out together for about three months, going to dinner, traveling, and going to parties. We partied a lot. I was very attracted to him, related to him deeply, and I started to build a fantasy around how “we needed to be together to save each other.” We had some very deep conversations, so he knew of the fantasy that I projected on him. However, he was a very reserved and troubled person, so we never got together. If he did not want to be reached, he would just disappear. It hurt me deeply because I felt humiliated after offering myself to someone completely, then getting rejected. I have grown considerably from that experience. I understand that most of my “savior” complex is not much related to that person himself but to the social, racial, and life history of my formation. I cannot escape it. It took me years to understand that I do not need him or anyone to “save” me. We have remained friends and talk every six months. It is a weird relationship and he understands he has power over me. I understand that also. It’s quite poisonous for me but I am curious to see what is next. I went to Paris to see him again two years after he left Asia.
After completing my college degree in Asia in directing, I came to America to complete a master’s in film and make movies. The inspiration of my films continues to be from my own personal experiences. One of my first films is about a gay man who has had a one-night stand and the loss he feels afterwards. This film has deeply touched hearts and has been played at film festivals all around the world. Slowly, I am being recognized as an artist and filmmaker. This was all I ever wanted…to live that dream.
It wasn’t until I came to America that I started to understand another layer of my identity. It was a mind-blowing experience for me to jump from the most conservative culture right into the most liberal of environments. Then slowly, I started to understand that the problems I have had within myself were from growing up in an environment that is hostile toward who I am. I would not and could not say I have become a new person since I came to America, but on some level my education has given me a way to see the world, myself, and to express my voice. The geographical change, from a small city in Asia to America, was my chance to move into a “new life.” But, of course, life is a long journey to slowly understand and create myself.
I was twenty-two when I first told someone that I was gay. It was one of my classmates. It was not much of a decision. I basically thought, okay this is my new life, and this is what I am going to do.It was not planned, and I cannot remember what I said. I didn’t have a big moment or feeling after telling the person. I really think many people had just figured it out about me. It was a gradual process for me to agree with them. I didn’t really need to tell a lot of people.
I still have not come out to my family, yet. I don’t think my parents would understand me at all. I believe it would be the end of our relationship. I have no friends or relatives in Asia that are gay.No one would even talk about it there.
I have never really dated anyone before. I have very high expectations about what a loving relationship should be. Part of this, I believe, is because of my lack of experience. My concept of love is naive and in some ways like Disney fantasies in their “prince and princess” movies. Hopefully my expectation is not too unrealistically high. Over the years, I am beginning to understand myself slightly better. I think I would prefer to wait for a relationship that is mutual…where we both deserve each other.
I do have many supportive friends here in America. One of the biggest influences in my life has been my mentor. She has helped me to find my voice autobiographically as a filmmaker. It has given me faith in my art, myself, and my dream as an artist and filmmaker.
I have learned a few lessons over the years. The first lesson has been to accept myself as a gay man. The second is to accept myself as an Asian gay man. To understand the American freedom and gay culture is difficult. Freedom is not only limited by sexual orientation but also racism. It is important for me to understand myself as I live in a society that doesn’t provide me with examples of people like me.
I have no words of advice for others coming out. I am still working out the details of that myself. Give me another thirty years to come up with my first words of wisdom. It is my hope that my films will speak. If someone feels touched or feels that there are people in the world just like them because of my films, that’s great.I am just going to continue making my films andcreating my voice as an Asian LGBTQ artist filmmaker.
Henry has been in America making films for five years. His heartfelt movies are autobiographical in nature; an expression of his life as an Asian gay man. It is his hope to stay and continue his career.
Excerpt from Who Do You Say I Am? Personal Life Stories Told by the LGBTQ Community, by Carol Marchant Gibbs
