My husband has been gone for a year and a half now and I am finding that each day is beginning to feel less daunting. I am still experiencing the loss but I am learning to fill the emptiness with family, friends and activities. But though I have occupied my time with people, my writing, practicing piano, family vacations and thoughts about more art classes, there is nothing that can fill the void of a loving partner.
The void created by my husband’s loss has been immense but it was not mine alone. Everyone who knew my husband loved him and missed him terribly. But when the memorial service was over and they began to return to life, I waited to return to my life as well.
I wanted my old life back and was forced to accept the stark reality that my life was changed forever. When I awoke in the morning and reached across to the other side of the bed, he was not present. When I called his name, he did not answer. It was just me in the silence. Attending a party, wedding, a funeral, any life event, was often excruciating. Sure, I could attend with another family member or a friend, and I often do, but the memories of a lifetime together with my absent love reminded me that my life was dramatically different and nothing like what I had planned.
In addition to the loss itself was the added challenge of bringing everyone along with me as I moved forward. Not everyone was ready for my new life and the navigation of it looked messy. There were growing pains associated with the emergence of this new person I was discovering deep within and there were many things I was learning about life itself.
If I had questions about certain decisions that needed to be made, I learned to ask for advice from someone that I trusted; my adult children, a sibling or a close friend. Counseling also became helpful in navigating my new life.
I also became acutely aware of how the people that I loved wanted and needed to be brought along on the journey. They were grieving, too. They cared about me and needed to know that I was safe and making wise decisions that would propel me forward in a healthy way. I am so thankful for their support.
I have learned an immense amount over the past few months. This was not after having made some huge errors in judgement. But, I am pressing on to live a life that incorporates all that I am learning about myself and people in general.
And, through it all, I still believe that there is hope. My life has purpose and I can rest assured that life is not over for me yet. I have a lot of living to do!
With hope,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives