I guess I was just ready to hear the question that day because it had a profound affect on me. “Whose life are you living?”, my friend asked. I realized at that moment that trying to live the same life I did when my husband was alive, was not going to work for me. It was time for me to venture forth so I went on a quest to discover not only what I would enjoy doing, but what I needed in order to heal.
The first thing I did was connect with a widows and widowers group. This particular group was focused on those whose lives had been changed by cancer. I connected immediately with the people there. They welcomed me warmly, sharing phone numbers and invitations to meet when I was ready and I took advantage of that. It was fun to go out to dinner and laugh. I felt understood and safe.
Then, I started using my morning walking of the dog as a time to listen to a meditation and pray. It cleared my mind and helped me to focus on what was most important.
I also had become overwhelmed with a desire to begin serving again. I connected with the Oncology Department at Mercy Hospital to serve at their fundraiser for “Heat It To Beat It” in support of HIPEC. HIPEC is a chemotherapy treatment given to cancer patients during surgery. This helped to give our family four and a half more years with my husband. We are so thankful for that.
The next thing I did was begin to meet with my personal trainer. My husband and I had done that together but when his health started to decline, we both stopped. It was good for me to begin to focus on fitness, for both my mental and physical self.
Then, I began to think about those things that I would enjoy doing. I had always wanted to do clay work or sculpting, so I found an art studio near me and will be starting classes next week. When I have mastered that, I’ll move on to painting. That may take a while!!
I also have wanted to learn to speak Portuguese. My son-in-law is from Brazil and I really wanted to surprise him by being able to communicate well with his family when I go to visit them.
I am finding that as I begin to look at my future with hope, the memories of my husband have become more vivid and filled with joy. Though I still have moments where my heart breaks, there are also times I can think of him and laugh. My memories are not masked by my grief. It is good to smile about my life with him because it was beautiful.
I have no idea what the future will bring but I am going forward with hope and anticipation trusting that God knows my deepest desires, what I need, and cares to respond.
With hope,
Carol Marchant Gibbs