It’s been seven long months since my beloved husband, Jim left this earth. It feels like an eternity has passed. Sometimes, I can think about him and smile and even laugh. Other times, I am reduced to such painful tears that I can barely breathe.
People tell me that I am doing really well. I am still trying to figure out what that means.
I do know that for a few months, I really struggled to understand who I am without him. I certainly am not the adorable twenty-year-old that I was when we first started dating. When I look in the mirror, I see Mimi, the grandmother to my precious four grandchildren. The crazy default may be to go back to my twenty-year-old self but I am not that person anymore.
There is a conflict between who I was and who I am currently but that is not the greatest challenge. When you lose your spouse or partner, you can feel like you are only half a person. Most of our relationships were built upon the oneness that we shared. We were one person for so long, with our family, children, grandchildren and friends, that I feel like I am learning to reestablish some of those relationships. Many are obviously easier than others.
To those of you who have walked this journey with me, I am so thankful for the ways you have encouraged me to look inward to find out who I am. The outward vision I see of myself cannot be compared to my younger twenty-year-old self without being extremely discouraging. But, the wisdom I have gained through the years far outweighs the cuteness of my former self. The wisdom has shown up in my face in the form of small wrinkles that crinkle up when I laugh. I am thankful for those wonderful years of life.
I know that many of you have also lost a loved one and are experiencing a similar response. I first want to tell you that you are not a half person. And, though you may feel like you may need to go back to the beginning, you don’t. You can start right where you are. You are still the same beautiful person… a better version of your former self. Bring all that you are and have learned from the past to your new life…wrinkles and all.
Together in hope,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives