The summer after my husband’s first year of law school, we lost our first child. The day before my due date, the doctor discovered that our daughter did not have a heartbeat. Jessica Ryan was born still the next day. We were devastated .
I remember vividly how people responded to our loss. Some people embraced us and shared our tears. Others, very few, said nothing. It wasn’t because they were heartless but because some do not know what to say. They believe mentioning the loss will cause you more pain but it’s just the reverse. Not acknowledging someone’s pain is more hurtful then anything you could ever do.
Many of you know that my husband died four months ago. I am so thankful for the people who have really rallied around our family. Frequent calls, notes, text messages and distance visits have been very comforting. But, once again, there were a few who really didn’t know what to do so they did not respond. So, I thought it might be helpful to talk about how to respond to the grieving.
I once had a person ask me how they could help me. “Share my grief.” I told her. “Be authentic. If you feel like crying, cry. You couldn’t possibly make me sadder than I already am.”
There is something comforting about others expressing their loss. It reminds you that you are not alone.
Supporting a grieving person is really very simple..be present. You don’t have to say something profound. Just listen. Listen to stories. Take time to look at photographs. Give lots of hugs. For goodness sake, don’t make it your personal mission to cheer them up. It only comes across as insensitive and unfeeling. Take your cue from the grieving person.
And…thank you!! Thank you to all of the people who have taken time to share my grief, that have loved and supported me. Your presence in my life is a gift and I will never forget your kindness to our family.
With gratitude,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Live