Losing someone you love is a very painful experience. The first few months you live in disbelief, numb and wondering how your completely wonderful life changed so dramatically. But as the numbness wears off, I’m sorry to say, it only gets worse. Your heart begins to feel the depth of the loss and the pain increases. You also begin to recognize that your loss is far greater than you ever imagined.
In his book series, Experiencing Grief, Kenneth Haugk, speaks about secondary losses: “The death of a loved one is inevitably accompanied by other losses.”
So not only do you miss the person, you also miss aspects of the life you had together.
For me personally, I miss my husband and the total of our relationship. We were young when we married, so he knew me better than anyone… and loved me still. We were partners for life. He was my best friend and confidante. Always my greatest fan, he appreciated my sense of humor, laughing at all my jokes…even when they weren’t very funny. He thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. I felt valued and loved.
Along with losing the most special person in my life, my identity has been thrown into question. Our life was intertwined. We were married 43 years; raised children together, grand-parented together. We even worked together for many years. Now, I need to learn who am I without him and that sounds sad and very lonely.
I know I am not the only person to lose a loved one. If you, are experiencing a similar loss, please know that you are not alone. It will take time to adjust to this new life. Be courageous, embrace your feelings completely. Allow the people in your life to support you as you begin to identify your losses. You won’t feel like this forever.
Living through loss together,
Carol Marchant Gibbs
Stories Changing Lives.