Jill’s parents were convinced that she was going to be a boy. Six years had passed between the third and fourth child and her parents believed time may have changed the pattern that they had experienced thus far but it did not. They were quite surprised when she was born their fourth girl. They had not even chosen a name for her beforehand. Jill’s father’s response was, “Well at least she will play sports.” So, she became an athlete.
Jill’s Story
I was always very different from my sisters. They were older when I was born—six, eight, and ten years old. My older sister was charged with babysitting me when my mom went to her part-time job, so I was the closest to her. But most of the time, I was with my dad. So, while I was off with him, my sisters spent time with my mom and became much closer to her.
Dad and I were very close, and he taught me everything he knew about sports and the outdoors. He taught me how to play baseball, basketball, to garden and fish. We were inseparable. I was always with him. I really cherished those moments.
Every evening after dinner, my dad would take me to the local bar and introduce me to his friends. Some of the professional football players gathered at the bar and because my dad was an affluent man and very well known in our area, I got to meet them too.
When it came time for me to play sports, there were no sports teams for girls so I played on the boys’ teams. At age eight, a girl playing football was completely unheard of so my mom gave me a boy’s name on the application and signed me up for football. I also played on a boys’ t-ball team and a “pitch” team—baseball where dads do the pitching.
On Friday nights, our family would go to the fish fry at my aunt and uncle’s hotel. My grandfather was a coal miner, so my aunt and uncle ran a hotel in a coal mining town where the miners would stay when they would come to work. My dad’s family would gather there on the weekend. It was great fun being with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. My dad was an alcoholic and would sometimes drink too much while we were there which could make it difficult. Much of the time he was functional, but alcohol was a real struggle for him.
I was exposed to a very conservative religion as a child. My dad was insistent that we go to church every Sunday. I was baptized and completed all the milestones required but I really don’t know what I thought about it. I was so young. I remember hearing my siblings talk about the discrepancy between who people pretended to be on Sunday, and the way those same people lived their daily lives. It did not match up. My dad would be one person on Sunday and in his career but a totally different person at home with his family. Going to church was something we were supposed to do and that was that.
I was eleven years old when my dad died from complications of alcoholism. My mom packed us up and we moved to the beach. Living at the beach was something we had always talked about, so she decided the time was right. My sisters were grown and out the door by that time so they did not come with us. My mom’s response to my dad’s death was difficult. It was a type of post-traumatic stress disorder. She had been through so much being married to an alcoholic and spent some time in hibernation after we moved, mostly in her sewing room. She only emerged from that room when she went to grocery shop or go to my sports events. There was nothing more in her life…not even church.
My dad’s passion for sports served me well. I became an outstanding athlete. In middle school, I played basketball. It soon became my favorite sport and a force that kept me on the straight and narrow in life. It connected me with a group of people and gave me a purpose.
In high school, I played on the varsity basketball team as a sophomore. I took a little grief from the seniors at first…I got tripped a lot. But, the coach took a strong interest in me. He recognized my athletic talent and was diligent about pushing me to grow into my sport. Even at a height of five feet two inches, I became a very strong point guard. If it wasn’t for the team and the encouragement of my coach, I could have gotten into some trouble in high school.
My mom did not have the emotional energy at the time to closely supervise my life, so I had the opportunity to do whatever I wanted. My coach became a surrogate parent that protected me from making unwise decisions. I chose sports. I also played softball and ran cross country for the track team.
I spent a great deal of time at my best friend’s house while in high school. With my mom in solitude, my friend’s parents became surrogate parents to me and included me in their family activities. They were highly involved with the “Up with People” movement and brought me along with them. Up with Peoplewas an organization whose purpose was to inspire young people to make a difference in their world. They did musical performances to break down cultural barriers and create global understanding. My friend’s parents helped with the bands and we sang. For three years, fifteen to twenty students traveled around the state singing with the bands. We even went to the 1984 Olympics to perform. It was a wonderful experience.
Understanding your sexuality is a process. I began to have feelings that I did not understand when I was in tenth grade. I remember being obsessed with the dancer in the movie “Flashdance.” I would watch the movie, over and over again. I was fascinated with the dancer but did not know why. It never dawned on me that I might be gay. I dated boys in high school. I always had a boyfriend. It was not until I got to college that I began to understand my sexuality.
I always wondered if my dad’s influence of sports in my life caused me to be who I am today, but my family has shared stories that suggest additional influences. My sisters told me that when I was young, people would ask if I was their little brother. I wore my hair short, and I never liked to wear my shirt. I wore Spiderman and cowboys’ outfits. I was drawn to GI Joes, never played with dolls, and I would rather play tag outside than play kitchen. I was more interested in running, jumping, climbing, and getting dirty, and I grew up in a family of girls. They were not interested in the same things. Now, that was not my dad’s influence. I chose those things that I most wanted to do. We thought nothing of it at the time.
When I graduated from high school and went on to college, I had my first exposure to gays and lesbians that were my age. I had a good friend who was a lesbian on my softball team. She introduced me to her friends who were gay. People never talked about their sexuality at that time, you just knew. In college, I started dating women sophomore year.
We never talked about my sexuality in my family until many years later. I think my dad would have really had a hard time accepting it. He probably would have flipped out. My mom had a very hard time with it. I told her my second year of college. She had had a sense about it but never mentioned it or understood this fully. After I graduated from college, I moved south with a person I was dating at the time and we lived together for four years. Mom shared her concern and disapproval of my lifestyle with my sisters.
I did have three relatives on my dad’s side that were gay but no one ever talked about it. I had a cousin on my dad’s side, my cousin’s oldest daughter, and an uncle that were gay. So, if there is anything to genetics, the gay gene came from my dad’s side.
My cousin lived her secret life until she was in her thirties. She never shared with her parents about her lifestyle because she knew they would highly object. I remember going to spend the night with my aunt as a child. In her hallway was a shrine of a religious figure illuminated twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, to remind them of their religion. It was so ingrained in our thinking that my cousin was not allowed to be herself. She was not allowed to be gay because of her religion. She later married a man. They have no children. She says she is happy, but I know her other life and I wonder about that.
My cousin couldn’t be open with her mom but I could be with my aunt (her mom). When I opened up to my aunt about my sexuality, she did not really accept or challenge me, she just listened. Yet, she never would have accepted her daughter.
I met my wife in 1994 while I was living at the beach. We met at a party with mutual college friends and stayed friends for a few years. We would go biking or to the beach together. We did not start dating until after my mother died in 1996.
We were married in a ceremony in 2000 before gay marriage was legal. November 2016, we finally had an actual wedding ceremony. We invited our family to celebrate with us. I invited my aunt and cousins but a week before the ceremony, one of my sisters discouraged my aunt out from attending. Only one of my three sisters came to our wedding. My oldest sister and I had been very close because she was the one who would babysit me but she refused to come. This was very hurtful because her life has been a mess. As much as she took care of me when I was little, I have taken care of her as an adult—health-wise, emotionally, and financially. My sister that is closest to my age, got involved in a religious group and is outwardly opposed to the gay lifestyle. She sent a scathing five-page letter that was very hurtful telling me that I was going to burn in hell and so would my children. She was the one that talked behind my back to all my family members which caused my aunt to choose not to come to the wedding. This response put a wedge between us. I believe my sister’s heart has started to soften by her interactions with me but her beliefs have not changed. I am not emotionally comfortable with any of my sisters right now, nor do I care to have a relationship with them. None of them know what goes on in my life. My wife loves one of my sisters and tolerates the others.
We have three children: a fourteen-year-old son, twelve-year-old son, and nine-year-old daughter. My wife gave birth to all three after a few years of infertility. Giving birth was not something I volunteered to do. They are amazing children.
Our friendships have changed through the years since we started having children. We used to have many gay friends but most of them were not having children. As our focus on our family became the priority, our gay friendships began to change. We started to have more in common with our heterosexual friends with families and that has become our community. I think we are the straightest gay couple I know. We do see our gay older friends on occasion.
Through the years, I have had some ambivalence about religion because of my experience. Since I came out, I have been guarded. I kind of put church in the same category as my sisters…two steps removed. It is important to me to learn from the Bible so I listen to the audio Bible daily. I did return to church when we started to have children because my wife believed that it was important for them. She believed that the religious community would embrace us.
Sadly, much of the most hurtful persecution we have received has been through the church. We went to one church that called us into a meeting to inform us that we could not be members of their church. We could attend, but we could not be members or serve in any capacity. When we questioned them about this, they said that we were living in sin as a gay couple. My wife really struggled with that but I was not at all surprised. I wonder how persecution is consistent with Christian values.
We were not defeated by this response, we changed churches. Though the people at our current church seem welcoming, I feel we are held at a distance. Our boys have been volunteering in the children’s ministry and our house church is very open and affirming. I have also heard that the new pastor would like to address the LGBTQ issue in the church in the future. There is no overt discrimination, but we are not 100 percent welcome either. Sadly, I really did not expect to be. Experiences like we have had are what deters the LGBTQ community from coming to church.
Our children have also received persecution in school. In late elementary and middle school, our oldest son was teased about having two moms. Not as much has happened since he is in high school. Our younger son has also received comments, but he is not as vocal about it. Our daughter is still young enough that she has been protected from that.
Today, many people in the gay community believe that there is no room for being a Christian and being gay, that you must make a choice between the two. Don’t buy into that belief. You do not need to choose between a loving God and being gay. Growing up, I could not do both and it moved me away from God and the church. It does not have to be mutually exclusive. You do need to understand that there will be people that will not accept you. Don’t let that take away from your identity or take you away from your faith.
Jill is a social worker and licensed therapist in practice with her wife. She no longer plays basketball but is a die-hard fan of women’s basketball. Jill lives with her wife and three children in the northeast.
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