By Joanne Sharp
The loss of a loved one is one of the most painful experiences in life. Grief can be a debilitating force that overwhelms us, robbing our lives of all hope and joy.
I have known and loved Joanne’s family for over 26 years. The story she is about to share is how she found hope in the midst of grief.
For most of my life, I believed that God was the Creator of the universe and a three-dimensional, confusing authority figure to whom I was to say my Hail Marys. I knew about the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit and I went through the practices of the catholic faith, as my parents had encouraged me to do. I celebrated my first communion in a pretty white dress and later was confirmed when a teen. We went to church as a family on Sundays when we were young, but when we became teenagers, we discontinued the weekly practice and church attendance became more occasional and on holidays.
But, I always believed in God. I just wasn’t sure there was just one and I really wasn’t sure if He heard my prayers. I was curious about religion, however, and took several classes in high school and even college to learn more. I was fascinated by faith and yet really turned off at the same time. I had a lot of questions and I did not truly understand or embrace God in my life until I met His Son after my mother died.
My mother passed away very suddenly on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003. I’ll remember that night forever. It was like a horrible dream from which I desperately ached to awaken. During that time, I was a senior in college, in the prime of my life. I was pursuing my dream of becoming a teacher, dating a boy I really loved, and was surrounded by girlfriends who meant the world to me. My school was only twenty minutes away, so after she passed, I decided to move home to be with my dad so he wouldn’t be alone.
It was a very challenging time for me. So many things in my life were changing. I felt lost, sad, and despite all the people in my life, I felt completely alone. I had friends who would try to cheer me up, a boyfriend who was very supportive, even though he had to relocate after he graduated, and my family, who were also grieving our loss. My world had been turned upside down and I struggled to regain balance. My mom was my person. She was the best friend that I would call twenty times a day. So after she passed, I felt like the whole world had stopped.
Then, I became angry and confused. I remember sitting in my car at a traffic light, watching the people in the car beside me flirting and laughing with each other. How could they be so happy right now? Did they not know my mom had just died?
My heart and soul were completely frozen and I became a master at covering it up. I could appear strong, put on a brave face and smile, but on the inside, I was falling apart. I had to remind myself to breath and to keep moving forward.
After graduation, I moved out-of-state to be closer to my boyfriend and temporarily lived with his parents. His mother, now my mother-in-law, saw my grief and convinced me to attend a program called “Grief Share.” I wasn’t thrilled and I really didn’t want to go but she kindly offered to drive me there, so I reluctantly agreed. When I walked into the room, there were three or four older women there who seemed like they already knew each other well. I instantly regretted coming. But, the kindness in the leader’s eyes put me at ease and I made an attempt to engage. She opened the meeting in prayer, then explained that we would be watching a short DVD and have a discussion following it. I was so filled with emotion that I honestly don’t remember a thing about the DVD that night. After the video, each person shared their response. Being that I was new, they let me go last. I was relieved. As we went around the room, each woman explained to me why she was there. Each had suffered a loss and some had had a few losses. One woman had lost her husband of thirty years. Another had lost her dad and all of her brothers. The last had lost her two-year-old son. Each story made me cry because I felt such a connection to loss. However, each story left me more confused. How could each woman have such a sad story and yet seem filled with hope? How could they tell these terrible stories and smile? It boggled my mind.
When it came time for me to share, I guess I did, but everything was a blur. I do clearly remember asking the women how they were joyful despite their loss. How could they breathe so easily? They explained that it wasn’t always easy, but they had hope. They had hope because of a relationship with Jesus. He helped them get through each day. Well, to me, Jesus was a baby in a manger and a guy who hung on the cross. I didn’t know the personal side of the man. However, I knew that if I wanted to have hope and joy, I needed to have faith. Real faith. I knew that whatever it was they had, I needed it… even if I didn’t think I wanted it. I recognized that night my need for God, that He loved me and had plans for my life.
Psalm 40:17 “And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing: make something of me. You can do it; you’ve got what it takes – but God, don’t put it off.” The Message
Through the years, I’ve really grown in my faith and my relationship with Jesus. There was so much to learn before it all started to make sense to me. Faith suddenly began to feel real. I now encounter Him daily in every aspect of my life, in the large and the small things. I pray throughout the day, read my bible and talk to Him about everything. When I make decisions, I seek His wisdom. I try to slow down, listen for His voice, and look for evidence of Him in my life before I move forward. I have actually heard God’s audible voice twice. I know that may sound crazy. It did to me, too. It blew me away and it still does. Once you’ve encountered God in such a powerful way, there is no denying Him.
My grief never totally goes away. It ebbs and flows as I continue to process it, but God’s grace and mercy have brought healing to me. I still have many moments when I wonder what my life would be like if my story had gone differently. But, I have found faith, hope and joy despite my circumstances.
I have come to realize that God has always been in my life, pursuing me. I just didn’t see it. I now see God as my Creator, Comforter, Counselor, Protector, Provider, Father and Friend.
“Here I am God, arms wide open. Pouring out my life. Gracefully broken.” Tasha Cobbs