Todd had already started transitioning when he first met Katrina. They met on a dating site and chatted for two months before meeting in person. Todd really liked her, so he made the decision that he would not tell her he was a trans man until their third date. He really wanted her to get to know him first. So, he waited.
The timing of the third date couldn’t have been more perfect because Katrina was scheduled to go on a business trip the next day. This would provide some space for her to think about whether she wanted to go forward with their relationship…or not. So, at the end of their third date, as Todd was walking her home, he told Katrina he was a trans man.
Todd’s Story
As I reflect on my life, an overwhelming sense of gratitude wells up inside of me. My parents were pretty extraordinary; very loving and always very supportive. I was close to them both but in different ways. I loved the outdoors so my dad and I spent countless hours hunting and fishing. My mom was easy to talk to and offered advice when I needed it the most. Though my sister was three years younger, she and I had a special bond. We did not have the typical sister-sister relationship. We were more like sister and brother. Our interests really overlapped. We loved to play outdoors together and were on the same softball teams. But we were different in that my sister could also be very feminine…and I was not.
Our family was also very conservative and went to the Lutheran church every Sunday. When I was young, I really didn’t hear anything from the church about the gay community, but I did from my family. I remember hearing early on that being gay was “abnormal.” It wasn’t presented in a hateful way, it was just matter of fact.
As early as I understood the difference between boys and girls, I knew I was different. At age four, I was often mistaken as a boy. My mom would kindly correct the person, but I could sense her embarrassment, so it began to embarrass me. I wore boys’ clothes, shoes, and had mannerisms that suggested that I was a boy. I even tried to stand up when going to the bathroom. Everything about me said I was a boy and I often reminded my mom of that. In my mind, I was a boy.
I was a boy in a girl’s body and it became increasingly frustrating for me. My mom’s concern landed me in a therapist’s office. She didn’t take me there to change me, but to help me deal with my feelings. For two years, I went to the therapist to talk about how I was feeling, and I became more and more frustrated with the process. The sessions involved my talking about how I felt while I played with toys. I wasn’t getting anything out of therapy, so I told my mom that I was “fine now” and did not need to continue. So, I stopped going.
My middle and high school years were filled with even more anxiety from the constant teasing. I was different and worked very hard to manage the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that became a huge part of my life.
When I got older, I attempted to date women but the fact that I was uncomfortable in my own body was not helpful. I just couldn’t express my true self as a woman and the relationships I found myself in were unhealthy and abusive. So, I realized that I needed to do something about it.
In 2004, the transition commenced with six months of talking with a therapist about what might be the best treatment for me. I knew that living the way I had was no longer an option. There was so much to think about. Was a physical change the only way? I had to mentally prepare for whatever was to come. One of my greatest concerns was needles. This may sound humorous to some, but I really don’t like needles and a physical change would require many. After six months of therapy, it had become clear that a physical change was the only solution.
There were so many things to resolve prior to the change. I needed to be completely ready for what was about to occur to my body. In preparation for that, I changed my name and had the necessary legal documentation completed. Hormone treatments began in 2005, six months after my decision. I was on hormone therapy for one and a half years.
I started to transition while working in the finance department at a retirement company. The hormone treatments were working and I was looking more masculine. The therapist offered to come in to my office to explain to my colleagues what I was experiencing. I had told no one. I chose to go on a business trip to avoid the scheduled gathering. I did not want to be witness to the shock or uncomfortable questions or comments. It apparently was received very well. It did feel awkward for a while after my return but that did pass. People were kind and gracious.
My body continued to transition. Then in 2007, I had top surgery. This was done locally by a specialist in the field. The surgery was a success and I began to feel more like the person I imagined myself to be.
Two years later, I decided to try dating again…as a man. I completed a profile on a dating site and began communicating with a lovely woman named Katrina.
We met at Starbucks for our first date. I thoughtfully bought her a chocolate chip muffin and a cup of coffee, only to find out months later that she really didn’t care for chocolate. Still, she politely received my offering and we spent the next three hours getting to know one another. The conversation just flowed. We had so much in common; similar backgrounds, values, and interests. At the end of the night, when the staff at Starbucks began to close the place, we said our goodbyes and I told her I “would be in-touch.” Then, I called to see if she got home safely.
I had just moved into my new house prior to our date so with all the unpacking and settling in, the next date didn’t happen for a while.
Katrina’s version
When I first met Todd, I thought, wow, what a handsome man. He is a little short, though taller than me. The last man I dated was six feet eight inches. I had a little anxiety about meeting guys because my last relationship didn’t end well. That night, the anxiety quickly passed. Todd was different than my last relationship. He was easy to talk to and I found myself wondering if he was authentic. That was important to me. By the end of the evening, despite the chocolate chip muffin, I was convinced that I wanted to see him again.
Though he called to see if I got home safely that night, I was very disappointed that he didn’t call me for a second date soon after that. I waited and waited for him to call, then I took control and asked him out.
Back to Todd
Our second date was at the local Roy’s. Once again, conversation was so easy. Katrina was cute and fun, and I really liked her personality. And most importantly, she was genuine. I was really starting to like her and began to experience anxiety about telling her the truth on our third date.
At the end of our third date, when we were close to her home, I told her the truth. I was direct. There really was no other way. So, I came out with, “I was not born male.” Though she had some gay friends in college, Katrina had been very sheltered and knew very little about the LGBTQ community, especially transgender people.
She asked, “What does that mean?” So, I explained very clearly that I was born female and was transitioning to male.
Katrina’s response
Todd was the first person to ever utter the word “transgender” to me. I had friends who were gay and lesbian, but transgender was a whole new concept. I remember asking what it meant, thinking at first, that he physically had both forms of genitalia, not realizing he was born one way and had transitioned to look like he did that day. It was too much to wrap my head around.
Todd was always outwardly male to me. He had not changed so I did not feel like I had to make any decisions at that moment. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism to not address the big picture. The part of his story that impacted me most was his inability to have children. Being our third date, it was too early to even think about how his being transgender would affect the physical aspects of our relationship. I just knew he did not have the sperm to create a child if we wanted one. That night, I called my twin sister to begin to break the news to her but all I could get out was, “Todd told me that he can’t have children.” I did not tell her he was transgender.
During my business trip, I had time to reflect and evaluate what I wanted out of the relationship. My science background made me want to understand the facts first, then address my feelings later, so, I began to research about what it meant to be transgender. I think I compartmentalized the child-bearing part because I knew there were ways around it through adoption or having a donor.
I was away from Thursday to Tuesday for a conference, returned home for two nights and then was off again for four days to be a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding. I saw Todd one night during my brief return home. While away, I found myself missing the person I had been dating. As we texted throughout my trip, I decided to take our relationship one day at a time. “Could I deal with it today?” I asked myself. Okay. The next day? Okay.
It was well into our relationship that we discussed his transition process, his past dating, his surgeries to that point, and what would be upcoming. That’s probably when it really sunk in that Todd’s transition would have a lifelong impact on our relationship. When the time came that we had to face the difficult stuff, I was in love with him and was committed to our relationship.
Todd
Our relationship continued to grow and a year later, I realized that Katrina was “the one.” I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I proposed, and we were married eighteen months later.
We arranged for the pastors from the church we attended to do our premarital. They were very affirming and agreed to perform the ceremony in Katrina’s parents’ hometown.
Katrina
My family had really come to love Todd. They were thrilled he was going to be part of our family. However, I was so afraid that everything would change if they knew he was a trans man that I didn’t tell them before we were married.
It was Thanksgiving, three years into our marriage, that we told my family that Todd was going to Serbia to have cosmetic surgery. The cost was prohibitive in the United States and our insurance would not cover it, so we had to go overseas. My mom heard “Serbia” and quickly did some research trying to find out more but she did not even consider that Todd was transgender. My family was still unaware.
Todd’s parents came to Serbia with us to give support during surgery and after. His full reconstructive surgery required that we stay there for three weeks.
Shortly after our return to the United States, Todd had complications from the surgery and was admitted into the hospital. It was then that my family admitted that they knew about him. My twin sister said to me one day, “You know that we know.” They had just put all the signs together.
Every year my family goes to the beach together. The first year, my mom asked what the scars were on Todd’s chest. “Oh, he had to have some surgery.” I explained. They asked no more questions. I just wanted them to figure it out on their own.
My family was hurt that I had not told them, not because Todd was trans but because they had known and loved him for eight years and we did not trust in that. “Why didn’t you trust us to know?” They asked. They love Todd and have adjusted well to the news and have become intentional about learning about the LGBTQ community.
Todd’s closing remarks
This has been quite a learning experience for me. People have surprised me in their response to my story. I am thankful for my loving family and friends that have supported me through this journey. I spent a lot of energy trying to hide things in my life and it was a huge burden to carry. My loved ones gave me hope.
God has worked in many unusual ways in my life that have reminded me of just how much I am loved by Him. When I was struggling with the hatred from the church, God showed up to remind me once again. The interesting thing about scripture is that Jesus never said anything about this issue, but He did speak about love and strongly chastised those who lived outside of it. God loves each of us.
There is so much more to Todd’s story. This is only an excerpt of his life. See the greater story in my book, Who Do You Say I Am? Personal Life Stories Told by the LGBTQ Community.